Is not so gret aktully.

That feeling good thing? Lasted about a day. And again yesterday - I actually felt... not depressed (still anxious, but not depressed) for at least until late afternoon, and the difference in feeling was just so shocking that it took me a while to be able to tell what was going on. Still fatigued, bloated, etc, though, on top of a horrendous cold and a sore shoulder. And back to depression today (not really sad, per se, just... cloudy, dull, that sort of thing). Exactly 6 weeks since the last post. If it were 4 or 8 I might get it, but 6 not so much.

Physical in a month. Guess if things aren't working, I'll be switching things again. Hopefully she'll do some bloodwork to see exactly what the problem is and be able to tell me what I need. I'm at a loss.

Today I felt good. At least this evening. I was fairly clear and not fatigued. I haven't been bloated the past couple days (jeans that have been too tight to wear for months are suddenly baggy), and I started on Thursday this cycle - and had a somewhat normal period (though I should be starting on Monday or Tuesday, it's a major improvement on either no period or starting on Sat/Sun).

I got past the insomnia with a mix of taking two Sarafem one night instead of my typical one (I was told when originally diagnosed & prescribed to take two if I needed it, and I was obviously underdosing as I tend to do) and Shawn reading me to sleep every night (best.husband.ever). I'm having it a bit again tonight but that may just be that I slept in today and was very active (scrubbing the bathroom) too close to bed -- I just wanted to get as much done as possible while I was feeling good, in case it's a temporary thing.

I'm hopeful for the first time in forever, of feeling healthy again. The sooner I feel healthy, the sooner I can work on getting control of the PCOS again and getting on with some injectible cycles.

Brain is off, try again later.

I've fought insomnia since my teens, really. I'm having a particularly bad patch of it at the moment. I don't think I've had more than 6 hours sleep total in the past week. Each day I drag a little more, and each time I wake up my eyes are more sore. I'm starting to shake and bump into things.

Tonight I drug Shawn to bed early-ish (around 10:30p) since he opens tomorrow, and we laid there for about 30 minutes with him sleepily trying to put me to sleep, but it's just not something he's good at. Once he's in bed he can conk out instantly, and gets really sleepy, so staying awake to try to help someone else sleep isn't really an option.

I did fall asleep, though not very deep, a little after midnight sometime. I woke up a few times and went back to sleep, but then was totally awake at 1:13a and completely unable to fall back asleep. Yesterday I laid in bed doing nothing for hours trying to fall back asleep after only getting about two hours, and my body just would not cooperate.

Much longer and my brain is just going to collapse into a pile of goo. I may have Shawn drag me to CVS tomorrow to see if we can grab some Calms Forté to see if that can knock me out.

My cycles still aren't regulated. On the new pills, I've been cramping and spotting since about a week after I started them. And not anywhere near normal cramping. I can have some bad cramps (to the point of vomiting). These are worse.

On top of that, I've got constant nausea. Constant exhaustion. Constant insomnia. Constant depression (both in the clinical sense and in just a sadness that won't pass). Constant shoulder pain. Even my teeth are hurting.

Thankfully, my ear infection (swimmer's ear) passed in just a few days or I'd be ripping pillows apart (if I had the energy to do such things).

In other words, I'm miserable, and tired, and tired of being miserable. The Spiro isn't doing anything, even diuretic-wise, which is starting to make me feel like I'm taking a placebo. I never know when to take the Prozac (see earlier comment about spotting all cycle), so I end up not taking it when I probably should.

I'm really hoping that when I hit the placebos of this pill pack, I'll have my first regular/real (if a bit heavy) period since the next to last Clomid cycle I was on and then things will even out.

Fingers crossed.

April 27th I went in for blood work. She actually only had to stick me once (I went out of the RE's clinic once with enough holes that they (teasingly) feared I was going to scare the people in the waiting room), and then wiggle the needle around a bit to get the vein. But I bruised, badly, even being careful not to bend my elbow. I still have a bruise. It's nowhere near as bad, it's mostly yellow with a bit of purple in the middle still. But there's something seriously strange about that. More than two weeks for a bruise is just.. so weird.. to me.

She wrote back first thing this morning. Wow. I wasn't expecting anything until Tuesday.

Doc said up the Spiro to 100mg (yowch) and called in a script for Microgestin 1.5/30 (generic similar to Loestrin 1.5/30). I'm kinda nervous of it. It's the first time I've ever said "prescribe me whatever" for birth control and I've heard some nasty things about it. Then again, what doesn't work for others usually does great with me, so who knows? We'll see how it goes. Current plan is to up the Spiro first (starting today) and then change pills after this pack.

It's 6 in the morning and I'm nowhere near sleep. I've pretty much given up for the moment. We need to go sign the lease tomorrow and I'm going to be crashed out for it. I'm not looking forward to it anyway. I'm so.. so.. antisocial these days. It's the only thing keeping me sane(ish).

Today I hit a wall, feeling suicidal. Not to the point of actually doing anything, but to the point of desire for it. I hardly slept last night, then when I did, the dreams kept me from resting. I woke up stressed, and the stress built throughout the day, with grief mixing in.

It's to a point where I can't just wait it out anymore, so I emailed my doctor to see about upping Spiro or switching birth control. We'll see what she says. Hopefully I won't have to go in -- it's a tight paycheck and I'd have to filch from savings. (Not to mention, hello, antisocial.)

But something is definitely wrong, and it's time to shut up with the whining and fix it.

So far I've been taking the Prozac on a typical PMDD schedule. This month I'm not doing so well depression-wise, though. The physical pain is mostly the reason for my withdrawal from everyone lately, but the emotional heaviness doesn't help.

Really, it's not that bad, just some insomnia and my head spinning a bit on the sad end of things when I don't keep myself busy.

Still, I'm pondering taking the Prozac constant until the pill kicks in or I switch to something that works.

I'm on a Saturday start with my Aleese, and, well, it's Saturday, and I've just now started - the week after placebos. As in, the day I start taking the active pills again.

Okay, so the Aleese is obviously not working. I'm giving it one more cycle before I call and ask to switch to something else. Like what? Hell if I know. Something stronger, most likely, to suppress more of the excess estrogen that's giving me so many problems.

The fatigue's still really bad. It hit its worst a few days ago when I would have to rest between each dish I was washing. My rash has reappeared as well - along with my shoulder aching. But the knee pain is mostly gone, and the fatigue was a little better the past few days.

I got to go swimming for the first time this year yesterday - it was cold but so much fun!